Monday, July 4, 2011

4 Devices The Washington Generals Coaches Should Add To Their Arsenal. (Humor)

Photo by Dinur Blum. Used under Creative Commons.
As I reported in a past post, the Washington Generals have adopted some recent tactics that might have more in common with Wile E. Coyote than traditional basketball play.

Still, it has proven somewhat effective as their new tricks do manage to gain points, just clearly not enough. So in the interest of helping coaches Reggie Harrison and Sam Worthen, I took the time to flip through the ACME catalog and see if I could find some gadgets that might prove more effective than the plastic hoop, hypnotic umbrella, and remote controlled ball.

Here are 4 devices I think would be prefect for "General" use. See what I did there?

Moving on...

THE NET BALL - This ball comes equipped with a plain black remote with a single button. Press this button when the Globetrotters go for one of their fancy trick shots and a net will pop out. Grounding that show off and giving the Generals time to grab the ball for a layup and 2 points.

THE DYNAMITE BALL - The idea behind this ball is simple. It has a hallow spot for inserting a stick of Dynamite into this basketball. You then light it, pass it to the Globetrotters, and boom goes the dynamite. Don't worry about their safety, I consulted with a Mr. Fudd, author of the book "Hunting Wabbits" and he assured me that once ignited it will only cover you in soot and stick your hair straight up.

Just be careful that in the game of hot potato that will follow, should the trotters see the Dynamite, that a General doesn't hold the ball when the fuse runs out. Or else the laundry bill will be a killer.

A SAFE WITH A LEVER AND PULLY - This Steel safe is fully equipped to load on top of any arena ceiling  Simply place it over the basketball net and drop it on a Trotter as they go for a slam dunk. Just be sure not to open it once it hits the ground, targets have an ability to walk out of the safe unscathed when this act is performed.
THE SPRING LOADED 4-POINT CIRCLE - This circle can be replaced with one of the regulation 4-point circles. That shouldn't be hard to do considering Worthen and Harrison's current relationships with the officials.

Then  once "Ant" Atkinson or 4-point master "Dizzy" Grant goes for a 4-point shot it will launch them into the stratosphere, possibly leaving a Globetrotter shaped hole in the ceiling of the building. Then they can use this oppetunity to retrieve the helium filled beach ball they tricked the Generals into using for a free throw. 

Just one word of advice... if it doesn't work when you want it to, DO NOT jump up and down on it yourself to try and get it to work. That will only make it launch YOU into the stratosphere. Although a handy sign with the word "Mother!" is provided to keep in your pocket for the trip back down in just such an emergency.

I am confident with these tools added to their arsenal it would only be a matter of time before the Washington Generals finally scored their elusive 7th win. 


  1. Bring back M. Klotz to do the show!

    1. I don't know, the globetrotters might panic if he came back and do something desperate. ;)